30 July 2011

…I don’t feel them at all…my feet…fingers…the tip of my nose…they’re cold…I’m emotionless…there is just that subtle hint of a beat…there which perhaps is my heart…

Yes I do have a heart…that beats with or without care…that has a mind of its own…that refuses to listen…it forces me to hear what I don’t want to…why is it there?

I spoke…said the things I wanted to say…to a third person…who was objective, thoughtful…who I think heard the things I didn’t say…yet it did he really?

I almost broke down…because I didn’t say that which I wanted to…so desperately wanted someone to hear…someone to know…I felt weak…yet the ego wouldn’t allow me to become totally vulnerable…I had to take comfort in the fact that I was strong…such stupidity!

Of course, I’m not strong at all…I’m just holding on…holding it all together with a string that has worn over the years…that will snap any day…that will break me into a thousand pieces…pieces I won’t find to join me together…

What then? How long will this last? As they say, as long as you want it to last…it will.

It’s all in the mind, don’t I say that myself? I’m fighting a losing battle…with myself…with my inner demons…with a force that is too strong to resist…

It’s a vortex that is sucking the life out of me…yet…I live. My heart beats…a steady thump that acknowledges a presence…my presence in my life…most often I have this out of body experience…where I’m living a life where I’m not present…I interact with people…my surroundings…I respond to situations…I do all the ‘living’ things…but then I’m a ghost walker…who’s just so aloof that nothing touches it…I’m a thousand miles away…things I hear don’t have an impact…and when the situation passes…the thoughts go with them…I have no recollection…

I was there…I thought I was there…but I wasn’t…and that’s why I’m frozen in time…

I live in the past…as I know how to handle the past…it makes sense to me…I have no future…I don’t yet…what I do have is just a present which I can’t touch…I simply revisit the past to feel like I’m living…I’m me…I’m alive…

Am I really?

(Photo by Nicolas Picard on Unsplash)