A friend asked recently. Interestingly, I don’t remember the context that led to the question but what I do remember is that soon after, it began to bother me.
I couldn’t fathom, why? What about the question was troubling me? It was such an innocuous question! Ideally, I should have been able to brush it off with an equally inane answer but I failed. I kept fumbling for one.
Why would he think to ask? Did I always seem to be in a tearing hurry when we met? Was it that obvious? Or was I uncomfortable in his presence? No, I most definitely wasn’t.
Was I troubled because ‘he’ had asked me, someone I never expected would notice? Did he come across as someone who could possibly read me well? He does have a lot of similarities with my time twin – although we’re poles apart as individuals, we both look at most things in life, with the same pair of emotive, thinking eyes. Even our spouses feel that we’re two sides of the same coin. Did he remind me so much of him that I felt compelled to believe that the question had to mean something more?
And so I continued to mull over it.
Yup, I could think of many other occasions too when I’ve displayed such behaviour. Could it be because I’m always thinking of what next? Maybe I’ve somehow ensconced myself tightly within the boundaries of my everyday living – one which like clockwork moves from one thing to another. It means I have control. Compartmentalising my life has always helped me deal with each part with ease. I have mentally divided my time and it upsets me if and when changes happen. Perhaps I feel like I’m losing that control. So, if I have to proactively (ahem…very rarely) or otherwise need to accommodate anything different I get irritated. I think I’ve lost that inner spark that incites spontaneity. Added to that, I’m unable to hide my emotions, which then are evident in my behaviour. Could this be a reason?
If yes, did it also mean that I was living for the future rather than in the present? Did the future seem more appealing? Did I believe, I had more control over that since the present just plays itself out? Wait, that’s daft! Any sane person would know that the present is where we belong and the choices we make now impact the future. Oh yes, I’m sane enough to know that.
Then, am I indirectly trying to tell people that there are other more interesting or important things I’d like to attend to right now? Are those things really important or do I ascribe importance to them because they’re personally important to me? Which could mean that I’d like others too to acknowledge their importance? But, why would their acknowledgment matter? Goodness, this is getting complicated 😦
So maybe sometimes I’m in a hurry because I don’t want to be part of a situation? I’m there because I have to be, not because I want to be. In other words, I want to get it done and over with and then move on – which then is reflected in a sense of urgency.
Or perhaps, if I didn’t portray this urgency, it could mean that I would have to enjoy myself? And I’m afraid that I just might have fun. Did that scare me? Was I restricting myself from living in the moment because it was easier not to?
Another reason could be that I’m tired of pleasing others. So if something bothers me (and that could be a number of different things about the person or situation or underlying circumstances or my present mental state of mind), I try and bring it to a close. And if I can’t bring it to a close, I allow myself to allocate only that much time to it. Once done, I’m in a hurry to get out or move out of the situation, no point in prolonging it.
Hmmm, ok, I can’t think any more. I give up! As usual I’m over-thinking.
Perhaps, I just love my own company and being in my own space. I like this world I’ve created for myself. I like the company of a few and they make me happy. I don’t see the sense of having to accommodate anything more. Period!