I’ve been plagued by this question for some time now, especially in the aftermath of the pandemic and online classes.

Story

Mitali’s 8-year-old son had an online recitation test. He’d missed the teacher’s instruction and so wasn’t prepared for it. When ma’am randomly started calling names of students to switch on their video and recite the poem while holding their books up high (to ensure they weren’t just reading from the book), he began to panic. Mitali noticed him hyperventilating and suggested that he inform ma’am that he’d forgotten. But that made her son even more upset. So, next, she tried teaching him the lines. But he was so high-strung that it didn’t help either. As her son started freaking out Mitali could feel her own growing agitation.

Suddenly, her son asked her to click a picture of the poem. Unsure, she did that and what happened next was mind-boggling. He asked her to stand beside his desk and said, “mumma when my turn comes, just say the lines softly and I will repeat them.”

Wait! What?

Mitali was confused but soon realized that her son was actually asking her to prompt! And…that’s exactly what she did. Having done well in the recitation test, he hugged her tight saying, “thank you mumma, love you.” She automatically responded, “love you too.”

The smile remained on his face till the end of class but Mitali felt miserable. She couldn’t brush off the feeling that she’d done something terribly wrong. She never thought she’d face such a moral dilemma ever. She felt angry and guilty but also relief and calm. She had stopped her son from being scolded or feeling ashamed in front of his peers. But as a mother, she felt devastated. Wasn’t this cheating? She had colluded with her son just to get away from a class test. How could she do that? What kind of mother did that? She was supposed to teach him the right from wrong. Her son most definitely could think for himself, so wouldn’t it have been easier to teach him to apply the same in his studies?

Mitali felt the compelling need to confess to someone…anyone who would listen and tell her that it was okay, she had made a mistake. Or perhaps tell her other parents too helped their children so she wasn’t alone. Or maybe encourage her to explain to her child that although he was physically at home, he had to behave like he would in school.  

Another Story

Rahul’s daughter recently sat for her board exams and they had to sign a contractual agreement with the school. It clearly dictated instructions with regards to the room setting and seating arrangement, the presence of a parent in the room during the exam and no matter what the circumstance, the parent couldn’t offer any help or guidance to the child.

It was a new experience for both of them. The novelty itself had its own challenges. How do you behave? How do you spend that time watching your child? Do you stay the parent or become an extension of the teacher monitoring your child’s performance? What do you do?

Logically, you know it’s an exam to assess her knowledge and understanding. You know its importance and the reason behind the need for exams. You also know that you have to respect your child’s efforts and preparation.

Logically, you also know it is an exam so she might not know all the answers, there will be questions she hasn’t anticipated for. It’s a new way of assessment so there can be uncertainties. Technology and the internet can play up. You can prepare for an emergency, but can you really be prepared enough?

Yet, Rahul’s biggest challenge was being present with his child in the same room as she gave her exams. And it wasn’t just about physical presence but more about being “mindfully present!” At times she seemed uncertain about answers and turned to him with a look of hope and anticipation. Yet he’d been clearly instructed not to help. He could sense her growing anxiety and simultaneously felt the pressure of his own internal turmoil.

***

Parenting is difficult already and now online learning has added another layer of complication. With the way our children’s worlds are evolving it’s tiring to keep pace.

How do you curb the overwhelming protective feeling when your child looks up to you with desperation or your frustration when you know that the answer is obvious? Where do you draw the line? What makes you succumb and often fail to teach them that mistakes have consequences and they have to be responsible for those consequences?

How do you react to such moral dilemmas? Was it somewhat easier for Rahul to hold himself back because he was visible to the invigilator on the other side of the screen? The repercussions would have been enormous considering it was her board exams. Or was it easier for Mitali because she was not visible on the screen. Both her son and she could get away from facing the repercussions. 

Tough love needs to adapt to changing times. Perhaps when we find ourselves struggling at such crossroads, we must also learn to forgive ourselves for being unable to keep up with the changes. For us too it’s a new way of teaching and learning.

(This was originally published on Momspresso on 7 October 2020 / Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash)